Why Parents Interfere With Relationships ---meddlesome interference or advise?

Definitions of ‘interference'---the act of hindering or obstructing or impeding activity  that can disturb communication

Definitions of ‘advice’---a proposal for an appropriate course of action to,offer an opinion –a choice put before someone

 Parents interfere with relationships for a variety of reasons. In every case, their interference stems from a feeling of entitlement toward the grown child. The parent feels that, by dint of giving birth to and raising their child, they have the right to have some say in their child’s life through adulthood. This is not always a bad thing; many times it stops at mere concern for the grown child’s life and gentle, well-meant advice. Unfortunately, in many cases it goes much further than that. Both parents have the potential for this kind of controlling behavior.

Misplaced concern for a person’s welfare is perhaps the leading cause of parental interference. In many parents minds, their children are still children no matter how old they are. They have spent the better part of the last couple of decades raising their children and advising them in everything, and it’s hard to truly grasp that they are now adults capable of making their own decisions and living with the consequences of those choices. If a parent doesn’t approve of the child’s choice of mate for any reason, they are  more likely to try to advise the child out of sheer habit, and often out of a sometimes unconscious belief that they still know what’s best for the kids.

From the outside looking in, no one can get a clear picture of any relationship. Many people are content to confide in their significant other rather than a parent at all times – except when there’s a problem. If there are issues within the relationship, people are more likely to turn to friends or family for advice. Parents are often the natural choice. A person will have had firsthand experience of the kind of relationship his/her parents had and so can see the results of advice given. Many times, parents who have made bad decisions can share with their grown children what they wish they’d done instead. However, seeking advice from parents can have the negative side effect of making them think that there is more bad than good. When there is no problem you don’t confide in them, and when people are perfectly happy they’re much less likely to share it with people outside the relationship than if they’re unhappy.

Some parents see every issue within a relationship as a confirmation that their misgivings about the child’s partner were right. If someone wants to believe something of someone, they are very likely to hang on to the bits of information that support their case and ignore the others. Oftentimes this is not a conscious thing, but it can lead to very meddlesome behavior on the part of a parent who thinks they’re working for their child’s best interest.

On the more dysfunctional side, parents may interfere in a marriage because they themselves are unhappy. For some  they’ve never been in a healthy relationship and so are convinced that any relationship their grown child is in will only lead to heartache. They can not accept that their child’s happiness is genuine, and so go looking for what must be wrong.

Another reason for meddling is general unhappiness in the parents own marriage. Parents who have a very clear idea what they want but are not getting it may project their own wants on their children. The result is the constant needling, “Does she do ______ for you?” “Does he give you ______?” and the resultant lectures or disapproval if the answers should be something other than what the parent thinks it should be. Some parents have difficulty accepting that their children are completely different people and their wants, needs, and priorities will be different.

Finally, parents with an empty nest may have extreme difficulties giving up control of their child’s life. While no one truly has control over another, it’s somewhat easier to maintain that illusion when you have the ability to dictate bedtimes, mode of dress, and mete out punishment if the rules are not followed.

This is not to say that all meddling parents are in any way malevolent or desire to see their children unhappy. In most cases, the intent is quite the opposite. However, parents are humans too. They have their emotions and imperfections, and sometimes they allow their intentions to cloud their judgment and get in the way of what they’re trying to do for their children.

Meddlesome parents want to be part of their child's life They desire to know what's going on, who's doing what, when assignments are due, and whom to talk to for every little situation.

So how do you deal with these interfering parents?

 Parents who are nosy - asking lots of questions, inquiring about everything you're doing,
wanting to know when and why and how - are just overly concerned parents. So, invite them
to your home.Let the parents know you are open for guests, parent volunteers, and friendly observations. Once you open your door, most overly curious parents will back off because they won't feel as if you have something to hide - even though  you never did.

Maintain frequent communication.Parents who impede in your life want to be informed parents. So begin  frequent communication with your parents.Once the meddlesome parents understand you want to have  open  and frequent communication, they'll have reason to leave you to your life.

 Invite them for a conference.Open an invitation for a parent/child conference. During the conference discuss  your concerns in an open, honest, and heartfelt fashion. Allow the parents to express their concerns and their  desires . With amicable communication, your efforts will likely end in positive results.

Reassure parents that you are doing your best .Once you let parents know you too want what's best for your life and theirs,hopefully they'll become complaisant and let you alone.You need to sit down with them and tell them how you feel. How it makes you feel undermined etc.

An eminent relationship counsellor, advises parents & in-laws to be supportive without intervening in the situation.

The situation is definitely made worse when they intervene," she says. "When in-laws get in on the act, the new member in the family will probably feel as if they are being ganged up upon, and feel alienated. Their child is put under enormous pressure as they have to start thinking about where their loyalties lie - with their parent or their partner.

"One of the most difficult parts of being a parent is to let your children move away from you and let them learn from their mistakes," she says. "Parents need to be there to listen and to offer their support, not to tell the kids what to do and not to get entangled in the problem itself."

She says that a parent's willingness to offer their opinion, with only their children's interests at heart, may backfire on them.

"If the couple work out their problems, they could turn against you because they think you were taking sides, or your child could turn on you in the future, full of resentment, because they think they could have made their marriage work."

She recommends offering active support, such as looking after the grandchildren so that the couple can talk things over, generally helping out with practical tasks to take some of the burden off or just lending a listening ear without making any judgments.

"At the end of the day," she adds "Parents can help out all they like but the couple has to sort their marriage out by themselves. You don't want a situation where they turn around in anger and deny you access to the grandchildren."

“Respect is a key ingredient if any relationship is to work, but it is particularly important if intergenerational relationships are to flourish. Often, different generations do not have the things in common that contemporaries do; respect is sometimes all that there is left to build a relationship on.

If there is no sign of your partner's parents showing you any respect then you are within your rights to ask for it. Arrange a time when you can sit down with your partner and their parents and have a sensible conversation. Explain to them that they do not have to like you but, if they love their child, your partner, then they owe it to them to show you some respect.

Remember though, when having the type of conversation described above, that you do not drive a wedge between your partner and their parents/your parents. At the same time, if your partner's parents are not willing to treat you with respect, it is reasonable to expect your partner to be on your side.

Lastly, always bear in mind that some parents are impossible to please. They will always see the generation that succeeds them as somehow deficient and not worthy of their respect. If your partner's parents/your parents are cut from this cloth then the simplest thing to do is to consider them irrelevant and not allow them to poison your relationship.”---  I think that sums up what all of us have at some time or the other had to undergo—either as a parent ,a child or as a partner in marriage.

IT BOILS DOWN TO EACH INDIVIDUAL’S NEED TO FEEL WANTED AND LOVED ESPECIALLY BY THEIR LOVED ONES.